overlooking you

I was going out with family yesterday. It was rainy and dark with the moon hiding behind clouds and fogs. All of us were warm inside the car, nestled with bags, and similarly sporting a full stomach after visiting our favorite dining place.

Droplets of rain turned into chatter, and the green traffic light switched into the red. My sleepy gaze lays on the Uber driver next to me that keeps fixing his delivery order, and then on a group of a small family that's huddling together just under a recently closed bakery. And that is when I realized how much I have been overlooking the fact that I am so much more privileged than I think I am.

I have been trying to practice gratefulness since a few years ago, but as we all (probably) know, learning is a curve because it is not linear. Without me realizing it, I have been falling behind. Not realizing what I can do on a day-to-day basis in life could be considered a luxury for others. In conclusion, my learning progress has been cycling on the same pattern for too long. 

I have been too cocky. I have been too confident. I have been feeling so sure that I am grateful for every little thing. Meanwhile, in reality, I am not (yet).

So, on the way back home, I fell silent. My mind was buzzing with how much I have been overlooking my daily blessings. How much I disregard the fact that I am privileged to eat, that I have shelter, that I am surrounded with such wonderful human beings, that I could live at my pace.

That I have the time to think about all the choices I need to make, that I even got to be able to make choices.

Writing this down makes me sigh so hard because I thought I have been making good progress in learning about gratefulness. I didn't realize that all these days, my eyes were still clouded. My definition of "being grateful" was still tinted with the "big" things. I forget that even having time to do everything at my own pace is a huge blessing.

Astagfirullahaladzim. 

I have been so ignorant. I think that not being picky about what I eat means I am grateful. I assume that feeling enough about what I currently have means I am thankful. And even though that lines up with what being grateful is, that is still not enough (for me).

I am hesitating if it's okay to post this ramble to my blog because this is such a vulnerable moment filled with the late realization. But I hope that this post would remind me whenever the cloud starts to fog my view of the world.

P.S: By writing this, I did not mean to disregard all of the efforts I made in practicing gratefulness. I still feel blessed that I am gifted with the conscience to keep learning and learning and learning. I guess I just got a little bit sad realizing my gaze is clouded.

On a happier note, I am full of joy that I realized this. And I just ate a magnificent chocolate croissant.

Let's start this journey again. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim